worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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