Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
