I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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