She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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