She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
