you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
