i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
