If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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