the condom got lost in my hair
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
