I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
