you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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