So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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