I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
