I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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