Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
