I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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