listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
