worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
