I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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