glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
