haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
