i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
