The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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