i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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