I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
