Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
