I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
