i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
