1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
