I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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