is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
