After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
