God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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