she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
