What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
