Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
