didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
