I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
