I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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