I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
