You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
