Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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