on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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