My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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