gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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