My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
