I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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