I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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