I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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