R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
