i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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