That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Randomize
