Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
