I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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