didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
