You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
