So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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