I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
